12 Days of Christmas OOO

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, Dullcorp gave to me:

TWELVE Clients smiling…
ELEVEN departments billing…
TEN copywriters scribing…
NINE trainers teaching…
EIGHT incentives pumping…
SEVEN events a' blaring…
SIX call centres humming…
FIVE RFPs!
FOUR art directors…
THREE French translations…
TWO client stand-ups…
And SOME TIME OFF until Jan 3!

See you when I'm back, where I'm sure my rights to publish without supervision will be cut off! Please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.com during that time.

Talking with My Hands OOO

Thanks for your message, but I'll be 'in and out of the office' Wednesday the 29th through Friday the 1st of December. Actually I'm attending a 'self-help clinic' that will help me stop using " " in every sentence I write -- and with luck maybe I'll lose the corresponding 'hand gesture' (you know the one). I'll have 'somewhat regular' access to e-mail and voice-mail during this time… so I will 'get back' to you in between training sessions.

Christmas - My Favourite Things 000

Thanks for your message, but as always at this time of the year, I’ll be indulging in my favourite post-Christmas pursuits, namely elf-trapping and reindeer BBQ. There’s nothing like a grilling up some Rudolph or Blitzen, and passing the time by setting my trap lines for those annoying toy-making twerps – which my kids tell me aren’t real anyway. Yeah, right. Once I get bored with all this, I’ll wander back to the world of marketing, on or about the 3rd of January. I’ll have minimal access to e-mail or v-mail during this period.

Christmas Grilling Recipe OOO

I had so many requests last Christmas Season for my Reindeer Grilling Recipes, I thought I'd post one of my family favourites here. Enjoy!

Reindeer Haunch with Bourbon Lime Sauce

- 5 pounds well aged Donner, Blitzen or Cupid (avoid Rudolph; too stringy)

- Teddy Reader Bone Dust Rub (available at BBQ Galore Stores www.bbqgalore.com )

- 12 strips low-salt bacon

- 1 oz lime juice mixed with 2 oz bourbon whiskey

Wrap the upper parts of the haunch in the bacon, using toothpicks to secure in place, and sprinkle with lime juice. Grill over indirect heat for 35 minutes, basting liberally. When a temperature probe reaches 375 degrees F, remove from heat and tent with tinfoil for 15 minutes. Once the meat has rested, serve immediately. Goes well with asparagus, fiddleheads or any dark green vegetable.

If you have any questions, I’ll be back on January 3rd and will be happen to help. Leave a message at the tone!

Amateur Reporter OOO

Thanks for your message, but I am out of the country between October 31st through November 4th, with minimal access to e-mail and voicemail. Actually I'm indulging my amateur journalism hobby by reporting for the DARWIN AWARDS on the annual "Dead Man Dropping" hang-gliding compeitition in Maui, where for some reason contestants fling themselves off very high cliffs with no-more than a child's toy kite strapped to their back, and attempt NOT to slam into any rockfaces as they plummet to the ground. If you know how people win Darwin Awards, I expect some 'Winners'... if you get my drift. (www.darwinawards.com). Please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Taking a Course OOO, Part 2

I'll be out of the office on Friday March 16th, taking the very popular Learning Annex course 'Cranial Neurosurgery in 3 Easy Steps'. I'll be back on Monday spouting fancy new phrases like 'ganglia', 'neuron relay time' and 'tripartrate lobe causation'. If you have immediate needs please contact contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp. He's already completed the course.

Attending a Conference 000

Thanks for your call, but I'm going to be away from the office attending a conference in . Not exactly sure WHICH ONE I'll be at, but I figure a big city with hundreds of hotels must have a couple going on that I can crash... so wish me luck. I'll be armed with the Blackberry and will get back to you when sessions break. If you have immediate needs please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Victoria Day 000 part 2

Thanks for your call, but I'm going to be away from the office Friday the 18th to Monday the 21st celebrating the Canadian Holiday of QUEEN VICTORIA DAY by

- Watching a bunch of movies starring Victoria Principal (Dallas)

- Listening to Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice)

- Shopping at Victoria’s Secret (for my wife!)

- Taking a tour of Victoria, British Columbia

If you have immediate needs please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Big Deadline Looming OOO

Thanks for your call, but I'm going to be sequestered in the top-secret, hermetically-sealed Dullcorp RFP Response Team Bunker, putting the final touches on a very important Client proposal. I have the proper motivation for this exercise -- the account team has carefully rationed the oxygen in the room, so I HAVE to be done by 4pm Wednesday! I'll return your message when (literally!) I come up for air.... If you have immediate needs please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Big Project at Home OOO

Thanks for your message but I'll be out of the office Thursday June 28th through Monday July 1st, attending a course on Unintentional Amputation, hopefully NOT starring me as I build a deck and patio in my backyard. If my construction exploits are successful and I return with all my digits, I'll TYPE my reply to you... but if I discover the true meaning of 'chop saw' you might have to wait until I learn to use the voice-recognition software... Using Powertools means I won't be able to access voice-mail and email, so I'll get back to you when I return. Please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Communications Junkie OOO

Thanks for your important message but I'll be out of the office from Friday July 13th to Tuesday July 31st, having my Blackberry surgically removed from my person. During that time: no e-mail, no spam, no invites to conferences I’m not interested in, no instant messenger, no voicemail, calls from work, calls from prospective suppliers or employees, no Brickbreaker or Tetris, cheesy camera snaps, Google Maps, no life-affirming ‘ping’ when a new message arrives…. In short, living hell for a communications junkie… Instead, I’ll be pioneering in a new routine called ‘Getting a Real Life’. I’ve heard it’s very rewarding, after the shakes go away. While I’m detoxing, please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.-- if your need is more pressing. He likes hearing the ‘ping’ too.

'How Can I Put This?" OOO

Thanks for your message but on Friday August 28 I’ll be gone, absent, not here, blowing this pop-stand, up the creek, out the door, shuffling off to Buffalo, incommunicado, out of touch, without presence, done like dirt, outta here, or as Microsoft would say, ‘out of office’.

On Tuesday September 4th I’ll once again be back, here, present, in through the out door, back on shore, running back to Saskatoon, hanging tough, and living life in the fast lane. Microsoft would call it ‘Mark Time as BUSY’.

I’ll return your message, query, statement, note, complaint, inquiry, joke, attachment, web-link, spam, virus, Trojan Horse, cute picture of a kitten that fell in a toilet, ‘message rejected by mail server’ notification, or flame-mail when I return.

Taking a Course OOO

Thanks for your message but I'll be out of the office between Tuesday Oct 16 and Friday 19th taking a course in 'Proposal Feng Shui' -- the art of aligning strategic marketing recommendations with the natural rhythms of a corporation's buying cycle. I hope that by using the chi of proposal feng shui, to bring my clients a more harmonious future. Well, that, or at least I can re-arrange their furniture in a pleasing way. If you have more immediate needs that do not require a holistic view of the earth's elements, then please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Read the Fine Print OOO

Thanks for your message but I'll be out of the office between Monday Oct 29th and Wednesday the 31st. I will be helping the powerful League of Superheroes as they repel the evil aliens from Triton IV, who are trying to take over our Solar System. Apparently, I didn’t realize --- when I signed my membership card when I was 6 years old – that they had the power to call me up to help fight (it sounded cool at the time.) If I manage to avoid involuntary alien-induced combustion, I’ll be back at work Thursday November 1st.

Employee Morale OOO

Thanks for your message but I'll be out of the office Friday October 19th. We’ve just completed our annual employee satisfaction survey, and the preliminary data seems to indicate that employee sat jumps a whopping 470% when I’m not in the office. If the data continues to show that trend, I could be working at home for quite a while…. If it doesn’t, I’ll be back at work on Monday November 5th. If you have more immediate marketing needs, please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Consulting at Christmas OOO

Thanks for your message, but as a marketing consultant, I've moved North this Christmas time to help Santa and the Elves with their pressing business challenges. The first is the soaring Canadian dollar, which has put a severe strain on The North Poles' traditional manufacturing base, resulting in layoffs amongst the indigenous Elf population and Santa's frantic search for re-financing that's NOT anchored in the sub-prime meltdown. Of course this being a government assignment with a limited budget I'll be back as soon as the funding dries up... oh, around January 3rd, 2008. I'll return your calls when I return, but given the great wireless coverage 'round the Pole feel free to ping my Blackberry!

Away Sick OOO

Thanks for your messages, but I’m offsite today shooting a documentary film. Unfortunately it’s called “How Marketers Deal with a Bad Case of the Flu’, and it stars me. I’ll be back in the office and no longer contagious on Tuesday February 19th – unless Sundance calls that is. Please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Travelling with No Signal OOO

I'm out of the office / of the country on March 31st and April 1st with periodic, sporadic, off-and-on, spotty, occasional, intermittant and everyonceinawhile e-mail and v-mail access . I'll return your message when I'm able. Please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Emergency Broadcast OOO

This has been a test of the BOB emergency broadcast system. Had this been a real BOB, we’d be talking right now. In the event you still want to speak to the real BOB, please leave a message at the tone, We’ll now return to our regular programming schedule.

Whaddya Mean You Couldn't Find Me? OOO

Hi you’ve reached the voicemail of BOBof Dullcorp Marketing. But our extensive and highly scientific research studies have shown that THAT probably wasn’t your objective: you wanted to actually SPEAK to BOBof Dullcorp Marketing. So since we at Dullcorp are all about helping your reach your objectives, here are several options to help you out.

Press 5 right now if you want to leave a voice-message; and please --- do see if you can set the new record for reciting your 10 digit phone number in the shortest possible time

You could also hit zero and be connected to the fabulous and talented Sally Jones, who’s an expert in either knowing where I am, or hunting me down

You could send me a e-mail at bob@dullcorp.com

You could call my mobile at xxx xxx-xxxx – if I don’t answer, I’m with a Client, sorry

If you’re under 25, you can text ‘Bob, Call Me’ to 33633

You can read my blog at savemeI'mmelting.com/blogspot

You can find me on Facebook and LinkedIn

And if none of these work, I can generally be found Saturday mornings at the hardware store on Main Street; check the Seasonal Centre

So there you go. If this hasn’t scared you away, pick an option and let’s connect.

Wine-Tasting OOO

Thanks for your message but its wine season in beautiful British Columbia and I'm out there launching my first vintage CHATEAU DE LOYALTY CARD: a pleasing bouquet of white grapes, apricots, and wildflowers – and of course each bottle comes lovingly packaged with your choice of RBC Rewards, TD Gold Travel, CIBC Aeroplan, Scotia SCENE or AirMiles Reward points. It’s the truly Canadian way to select wine! In between wine reviews I'll return your message when I can get to my Blackberry. If you speeder service please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Wedding Anniversary OOO

Thanks for your message but I’m out of the office the week of July 14th tending to my longest-running and most successful marketing strategy, the ‘Wife Retention Program’, which is celebrating its 25th year this year. My lovely wife has taken the following precautions:

1. My Blackberry has been locked away in a secure safe that only responds to her biometrics

2. My GPS has been reprogrammed so the car can’t come with 10km of a Dullcorp office

3. You’ve all been erased from speed dial on the home phone.

I’ll be back on the 21st. If you need immediate help please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp

'Big Tasks Today' OOO

Thanks for your message but I’m out of the office Friday August 8th; in the morning counseling Fed Chairman Ben Bernake on how to dig out of this whole sub-prime / asset backed paper debacle. In the afternoon I’ll be working with Craig Ventnor on the next generation of the Human Genome Project. I’ll be back to designing 1to1 marketing programs on Monday the 11th. If you need immediate help please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

At the Hospital OOO

Thanks for your message but I’m out of the office Thursday August 14th and Friday 15th, off in a modern medical facility listening to ‘The Machine That Goes Ping.’ I’ll have periodic access to wireless signals and will return your message as long as it doesn’t interfere with that nice fellow down the hall – and his new pacemaker. If you need immediate help please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Reality TV OOO

Thanks for your message but I’ve been voted off the island, certainly can’t dance, am not smarter than a 5th Grader, was kicked out of the loft, lost the Race, was gonna go for the Deal, couldn’t hit the high-C note, you get the point. I’ll be back on September 2nd after apprenticing for something. If you need immediate help please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp.

Christmas + the Wall Street Bastards

In keeping with the theme of 2008 - after we gain our share of the Wall Street / Bay Street bailouts, we’ll back in business by January 5th. In the meantime, if you need advice on the Canadian Constitution or just some help with a marketing strategy, please contact Bob @ XXX-XXX-XXX or bob@dullcorp

Canadian "Victoria Day' OOO

As close I ever come to a political statement
**

I’ll be out of the office Friday May 15th through Monday May 18th, due to the fact that Canada – a supposedly modern, progressive member of the G20 and one of the most desirable places to live on the planet – clings anachronistically to the notion that we should somehow be thankful to the scions of the warlords who took away our ancestors lands and rights about 800 years ago.

So this long weekend is brought to you in the memory of a cranky old dowager whose ultra-conservative views on social decorum and behaviour helped build the Anglo-Saxon Canadian reputation as ‘nice but boring’. But what the heck – 3 day weekend? I’ll be on the golf course!

Social Networking OOO

One for the digitally-paranoid... cover all the bases!

Out of Office Message (Microsoft Office Version)
I'll be out of the office with limited access to voice-mail and email until Thursday May 1, and will return your message as soon as possible when I’m back. If it's urgent please contact at or bob@dullcorp.com

Out of Office Message (LinkedIn Version)
As a strategic, multi-disciplined marketing professional (see ‘recommendations’) I will more than timely in returning business messages (see ‘connections’) and requests (‘groups’) upon my return. And although I’ve designated an alternative contact, I’m really monitoring all my channels out of deeply ingrained paranoia. And if you do call – bless you!

Out of Office Message (Twitter Version)
@BobSmith – chillin for the next few days, trying out new guitars, see video at

Out of Office Message (Flickr Version)

Leave That Damn Thing At the Office

I'm on a Crackberry, but this works for any device-fiend...
**

It's time to play the 'WILL BOB CRACK WITHOUT HIS BLACKBERRY?’ game!
Bob claims to be 'off the grid' until with no PC or Blackberry access.

This year, there are 3 ways to play:

WILL HE CRACK? Do you think he can make it? From all the right answers (yes / no) we’ll randomly pick 2 winners of $500 each…

WHEN WILL HE CRACK? Guess the time and date of his first e-mail after and you can win $200. Closest to the pin wins...

MAKE HIM CRACK! If you can contact Bob live between and sustain a business conversation of more than 30 seconds --- you could win $1000 (Bob’s boss not eligible)

If you want to know more about the contest rules, please contact at or bob@dullcorp.com

Sarcastic Workers Unite!

Just 'cause work is boring doesn't mean you are! When you're not there to make jokes, leave something behind to leave 'em laughing.

Feel free to lift / edit any of these OOO's, or contribute your own...